Registering Desire

I’m seven years old standing in line at the toy store with my mom, and I’m feeling pretty excited. All around me are beautiful barbie dolls in pink glittering dresses, bright red remote control race cars that now go faster than ever, coloring books and stickers and candy … oh my!

But me, I don’t see any of it. I’m staring dead ahead waiting for the dumb kid and his mom to finish, so I can finally have my turn. I’m so impatient that I squeeze ahead of my mom the second they’re done, so I can have the perfect view of my favorite thing in the whole wide world:

A real life, made-for-the-store cash register.

Now, I don’t know how much experience you have with cash registers, but they are so awesome. First of all, they make a sound for everything you do. The click, click, click then the beep, beep, beep. And that laser gun thingy, I mean, c’mon, the way it zaps those black bars that magically turn it into a number on the screen …

I want one SO bad.

I’ve tried playing with the plastic ones that Fisher Price makes, and don’t get me wrong, I think their kitchen set is top notch (I play with it every time I go to April’s house, her mom buys here the best stuff). But when it comes to cash registers, Fisher Price just don’t get it. First of all, their registers are red. When have you ever seen a red cash register?? Also, they are plastic, which everyone knows is so not the best material for a cash register, because they are so much easier for robbers to break into (duh!). Not to mention the buttons are too small, and the scanner gun doesn’t even have a laser. Really?

I love cash registers so much that I have favorite stores in my town based on the cash register they use. Like, the Harvey’s Hardware stores has this really old cash register with buttons that look like an old typewriter, and I don’t think it even runs on electricity!

And the store clerks, I mean they have the best job ever. When I grow up, I want to be a checkout person at ANY store, just so I can use a cash register all day.

Anyway, I love them, but I have a problem: I’m seven, so I don’t actually make any money to buy the cash register of my dreams. And even if I did, a cash register isn’t something that can be bought, because it’s the thing that helps you buy things, not the thing you buy, so it feels impossible that I could ever get my hands on one.

That is, until this one day.

It started off like any other day: Mom was dragging Ali and me around doing errands. The last stop was BJ’s Wholesale club (ugh). I don’t like BJs because its big and boring with all the giant boxes piled on those enormous metal shelves. Like, how can you even see anything when its so high up, and how would you ever get to it anyway? Plus, we never have enough time to look through all the cool toys and stuff in the middle. I usually want to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Except on this day, right when we walk into the store, next to the TV’s and VCR’s, there’s this OTHER AISLE and suddenly I can’t believe my eyes:

An entire row of cash registers….FOR SALE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I run as fast as I can to the register aisle, and I’m not worried at all whether Mom knows where I am, because my dream is literally lined up in front of me and it comes in different shapes and colors I can’t believe it this is the best day of my life!

My first pass down the aisle I walk quickly, scanning all the registers, just to see the selection I have to work with. On my next pass, I click on ALL the buttons on ALL the machines. I’m a little annoyed at how high up the display registers are, because I have to stand on my tip toes just to reach them, and thats not the best view, but I need to figure out which ones look right, make the right sounds and have the right feeling when you press the buttons (I don’t know you if you know this, but not all buttons are the same, and there is a right kind, but you have to push the button to find out).

I’m almost to the end of the aisle when I see it: The exact cash register I’ve seen in all my favorite stores. The one I’ve always, always wanted.

AND I CAN BUY IT.

Now I know this is my only chance, because obviously cash registers aren’t for sale every day (duh!), so I take a minute to plan what I am going to do. As I walk back over to my mom and Ali, who look confused for some reason, I prepare my most sad face, collect a bucket of tears behind my eyes, and I make my move:

Mooommmmmm pleeeeeasssssse!

Mom looks at the price tag and it’s $150! That’s like more money than I’ve ever seen before! But, me, I’m not worried — I’ve got this bucket of tears just waiting to gush out of my eyes, my face is already red and all crinkled up in a knot, I’m practically crying already.

Mom proposes a deal: She will help me raise the money to buy it myself.

So I spend months raking leaves, doing chores, basically anything at all that will earn me even a quarter. Things are going well in the beginning, but after a few weeks, I feel like this whole ‘earning’ thing is not going fast enough. I need reinforcements: Grandpa. He won’t give me the money either, but he too proposes a deal (I’m learning that this is a pattern among adults): He’ll match every dollar I earn until I reach my goal.

I like this plan.

On the big day, I burst into the BJ’s and sprint as fast as I can over to the cash register aisle. Only … the cash registers aren’t there.

I start to panic. Am I too late?!?! Why didn’t I help dad in the garden that day instead of building that block castle with Ali? Ughghhghg….WHERE DID THEY GO???

I run around madly, praying that I havent arrived too late (though I totally get why they would be sold out, because clearly they are a hot commodity and everyone probably wants one).

Finally, I see them. Behind the TVs and VCRs tucked away in the back. They moved the aisle away from the doors, which doesn’t make any sense to me. Why would you put something so important where no one can find it??

As I run to find my register I wonder if mom will change her mind about setting up a desk in the front hall, so I can practice using my cash register on the people that enter our house. I make a mental note to ask her about that again later.

I’m so distracted by this thought that I get to the end of the aisle and miss my register. Time to focus: let’s do this, Devin!

I walk down the aisle a third time, slowly this time, carefully scanning each register on my tippy toes to find the one I want. But then I get to the end of the aisle again, and I don’t see it. Then it dawns on me: My cash register isn’t there.

I’m crushed. After months of hard work, which let’s face it, is pretty much an eternity to a seven year-old, the cash register of my dreams, the most perfect cash register I’ve ever seen, its gone.

I didnt take the money from my grandfather, and I never again sought out another cash register. I don’t even remember how I spent the money I saved to buy it. It’s possible I didn’t spend it at all.

Looking back, it seems so silly! First, there were other cash registers. Ones that were more modern and sleek. They probably even worked better. But I was so fixated on the one I chose, that nothing short of having that exact one would suffice.

Thats the thing about perfection: The moment you think you’ve got your hands on it, its gone.

And I’d like to say that I’ve changed, but the truth is, I’m still the same little girl who sets her sights on something and will do whatever it takes to get it. Some people have told me that its just because I’m passionate, but I disagree. I think its irrational, blinding, knock your socks off desire.

You don’t have to tell me, I already know: That comes with a lot of risk. And heartache. Oh, the heartache. It gets me every time. But you know what picks me back up?

The desire, for something else.