Surprising Facts About Public Speaking That No One Ever Tells You
As you squint against the oppressive rays targeting your exposed, defenseless body from the merciless bulbs above, you can feel tiny drops of sweat gathering at your hairline, and you know what will happen next. The fire will continue to reign down from above, and those little pears will turn into roaring streams as they cascade down your face, slip over the ledge of your chin and plummet down your chest and into your belly button.
You wonder why a sunny day never feels this insufferable. It’s as if each ray is a member of the audience glaring at you, arms crossed, expecting you to do something. You’d give anything to be a guest right now, staring back at you, comfortably and perhaps a bit bored waiting to be entertained. Best of all, you’d be the one in darkness, safe in your shroud looking out into the light.
You feel a little like a microscopic organism that’s been magnified under a bright light and is now being scrutinized by these invisible eyes studying you from behind a giant microscope. There you are, squirming around in this giant petri dish like a naked amoeba just trying to be your little amoeba self, and suddenly you’ve got these judgy eyes staring at you, waiting for you do something interesting.
It’s at this moment that you realize you’ve been standing there for an awkwardly long time. Awkward because, despite all the sweating and fearing you’ve been doing, you haven’t actually said anything yet….
Sound familiar? Anyone who has had to stand up on stage or in front of a room full of people has felt a version of this at some point. Whether it’s the crowd, the context or what your presenting that scares you, public speaking has always brought with it a certain amount of fear. Seriously, it’s proven like, with science.
Public Speaking is Scary
Public speaking is ranked #5 on Americans’ list of things they fear the most, so clearly if you are nervous speaking in front of groups of people, you’re not alone. However, what I find interesting about this isn’t how high public speaking falls on the list, but the four fears that come before it.
For example, fear #4: Being the victim of a mass shooting. That is the very next thing that Americans fear more than standing up and saying words in front of their fellow man. And the three other fears that beat out public speaking? They are equally as dramatic:
3. Safety on the internet
2. Being the victim of identity theft
1. Walking alone at night
Here’s what fears 1–4 all have in common: They all make us feel like we are a victim. They are things we have to survive, to overcome, and they are random — we can’t plan for them (for the most part) and we never know when they are going to happen. And tacked on the end, down from its #2 status in 2001, is the fear of public speaking.
After wanton violence and death is the fear of public speaking
As you squint against the blazing light into total darkness, you feel utterly helpless and at the mercy of the dark, haunted forest full of scary blinking creatures in front of you. It’s as if the Seven Dwarfs are about to appear any second to rescue you from this nightmare. In fact, you kind of wish for those brave, fictitious men, with all their stubborn bravery and perseverance, to march on stage and whistle you a tune. Of course now you know you’re in trouble, because Imagination has stepped in — your youthful defense that’s come out of hibernation to…what? Fantasize you out of here? Meanwhile, all those anonymous entities are peering out at you from the darkness, they’re eyes fluttering with expectation. Only now it’s been so long, it’s more like impatience…
You’re not afraid of public speaking
I view public speaking as inherently opportunistic: If you’re speaking “in public” (i.e. to a group of people) you’re trying to communicate a message, whether it’s for work/school, or perhaps a competition or TED Talk. No matter what, you are on your way to potentially benefitting from this act, so you should begin by viewing this as an opportunity, not a ‘situation.’
Also, this is a chance to influence people at scale, and in most cases, you knew about it in advance, which means you’re not standing there because someone physically forced you without notice. That’s what sets the fear of public speaking apart from the other fears: you can prepare for it! So, why are so many people afraid of public speaking?
I think that it’s not the actual act of speaking in public that people are afraid of, but something much simpler and more universal. It’s an intangible consequence behind the words, that affects the most fragile of all human body parts (ahem, the ego) and is so terrifying that most people cannot even name it: Failure.
You’re not afraid of public speaking, you’re afraid of failing in front of everyone.
You open your mouth to say something — anything — but something stops you. It’s not the desert inside your mouth — you knew that was going to happen. It’s the fact that everything you were going to say has vanished from your brain without warning, leaving you an empty shell of nothingness that these people expect is going to say something meaningful RIGHT NOW.
There’s No Such Thing As Failure
Spend 5 minutes talking with someone who is afraid of public speaking, and I guarantee that it will boil down to one simple thing: they are afraid that they are going to do a “bad job” and even worse “everyone” will be there to see. As someone who has tanked publicly multiple times, I wholeheartedly agree that the worse case scenario can feel more likely than simply getting up there and doing ok.
But here’s the thing: It’s harder to fail than you think. As my mom always said to me, “Feeling isn’t fact,” meaning that what you feel isn’t always reality. In fact, often when you think you’ve done poorly, no one noticed the mistakes you thought you made (hint: they don’t know your speech!).
The trick is to reframe your success and failure metrics and set yourself up to learn from all aspects of the experience instead of fearing the outcome. If you focus on improving your speaking/performing skills, then failure doesn’t ever come into play, because you’re using this as a teaching moment. As a result, it becomes less about perfection (which removes the “good” vs “bad” option), and more about being curious about the entire process.
Suddenly you hear something from out in the abyss — a cough, perhaps, you’re not really sure — and it feels like you’re opening your eyes for the first time. In reality it’s probably just that you’ve finally adjusted to these hot, aggressive lights. Either way, you realize that if you don’t get started, this is never going to end, so you take a deep breath and try something simple: “Hello.”
What none of this banter about fears and learning does is help you through the nightmare you’ve still got to face. But there are a few things I’ve learned that will help your next public appearance of any size feel less stressful.
The Audience is on your Side
You know those movies where something so awkward happens that you literally have to cover your eyes? That’s what it’s like in real life when the audience is watching you — they don’t want you to fail! And since the fear of public speaking is so common, and embarrassment is something we’ve all felt, then seeing you struggle on stage hits awfully close to home, well, everyone.
Also, in most cases they came to hear what you have to say, not judge your delivery, so they want you to do well. Even if you’re in a competition: no one likes a landslide (see #3) — they want excitement and suspense, so the better you perform, the more fun it is for them.
Case in Point: A “Failure” Story
A few years ago, I worked with a famous midwife in Bali who gave a TEDx talk. She was a brilliant storyteller in one-on-one conversations but on the day of her TEDx talk, she delivered the first sentence then drew a blank. She was paralyzed. I saw the terror on her face as she gazed out over a room crowded with hundreds of eyes on her. This woman who saves lives for a living with her bare hands, often in circumstances of great adversity, froze and could not keep going.
As she struggled to continue, a surprising thing happened: the audience started clapping. And it didn’t stop there — they even started cheering and shouting words of love, encouraging her to keep going.
Instead of heckling, the audience reached out from the darkness and encouraged her to continue.
That’s not the exception, it’s the rule! It’s also why I advise people not to imagine the audience naked. Why would you imagine the people you want to support you in a position you dread yourself? What you should do is imagine that you are in a room of your best friends, people who love you unconditionally and who don’t care if you mess up. This strategy will do more to put you at ease and allow you to connect with the audience, both during your presentation and after.
Nobody wants to win from a loser
Here’s the thing: it’s no fun to win when the person you’re competing against is terrible. Similarly, if you compete against your equal or better and they tank, you still only won because they lost, not because your performance merited a win. It’s a technicality!
Remember this next time you have to give any kind of speech, lead a meeting or simply have a difficult conversation: people want you to do well. Why? Because it makes them feel good to take you down when you did a good job. Or in the best case scenario, it makes people feel good when you perform well, since they invested time and in most cases they paid money to see you.
Owning your performance will make it better, even if you tank
In most cases, your performance or speech won’t ever fall on the “Perfect” or “Terrible” ends of the spectrum, they’ll be somewhere in the middle. No matter what happens, the best thing you can do is to own your performance afterwards and don’t shy away from talking about it. I recommend being as open as you can and even laughing about it if possible. After all, talking about your “failures” in a productive way makes you appear more confident, and the more you fake lightheartedness the more you’ll actually feel it!
Storyteller Tip: “Failure” stories are always crowd-pleasers, so next time you think you tanked or were in an embarrassing situation, turn it into content for your next story!
Afterwards, someone walks up to you and comments on your speech, and you’re surprised by what they say. They don’t critique your performance or tell you what you did wrong, they comment on something you said. They literally just want to talk about the subject matter that you talked about. It’s at this point that you realize: All that time you were worried about your delivery, and the audience only heard the words that came out of your mouth.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “The credit belongs to the person in the arena,” and he was right: It’s scary to put yourself out there! But in the end, it’s not about learning how to stop being afraid, it’s about learning how to manage your fears and use them to your benefit. (There’s also a few tactical things you can do, which will help you perform better that I will share in my next post.) So, focus on being friendly with your audience, remember that even your adversaries want you to do a good job, and use embarrassing situations to show your inner strength. You’re going to do better than you think!
I’m teaching more public speaking tips, including my preparation checklist at General Assembly Boston on March 3rd — check it out!
Photo Credit: Molly Hartigan Photography
Originally published at adventuresofd.com on February 16, 2015.